I am a woman of extremes. An “all or nothing” kinda gal.
And it’s a problem.
A little over 2 weeks ago I posted about wanting to make changes in my life to be happier. One of those changes was to start the #100HappyDays project. Since then I’ve continued forward with posting something positive each day. Now I can’t say I’ve felt like a happy positive person everyday, but in working on this project I’ve noticed that even on days when I’m feeling down or frustrated, I find myself thinking “Ok, well what did I enjoy today? What made me happy today?” to have something to post. It’s gotten me to start focusing less on the negative, and to acknowledge the positive aspects of each day. Life isn’t perfect nor is it full of sunshine and rainbows but I’ve realized, that, while it’s impossible to ignore that fact, it is also possible to make an effort to focus on the positive, which is what I’ve been doing.
It’s caused me to start thinking more about what makes me happy and unhappy on a daily and continuous basis. What I’ve realized is that my life has been unbalanced.
I think I sometimes take pride in being an “all or nothing” girl. I like being driven and focusing on a goal and letting nothing stop me. But I’m also someone who likes to do a lot of things and next thing I know, I’m trying to do “all or nothing” with everything and it’s just not possible! It stresses me out, frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure when I don’t succeed in some aspect. It’s this same mentality that makes me find it a “challenge” to eat more than everyone else. It’s also the reason why I push myself so hard at the gym. I take pride in being the girl with a massive appetite who can clean everyone’s plate and the one who doesn’t let anything stop her. All or nothing, baby!
Why do I do that? Yes, sometimes I really am hungry and sometimes I just have no filter- no way to say, “OK Kelsey, you’ve had enough- it’s time to stop. It’s time to rest.”
All or nothing.
If we are being completely honest here, I’ve known this was a problem for a while. It wasn’t until starting this project though, that I realized how much of a problem it is and how it really is the root of many other issues for me.
I am in the final couple weeks of prep for my competition and for a while now I’ve known that I don’t really want to do it. I don’t have the same push, the same “drive” and mentality that I had last year. I don’t want to be “all or nothing” and I don’t care so much about wanting to achieve “the perfect body” based on judges’ standards. I want to be happy, healthy and balanced in my life- for me.
Seeing as I am so close to the show and I have several obligations towards other people with relation to it, I am continuing forward and planning on seeing it through, but at this point, I’m thinking it will be the end of my competing.
Maybe it means I’m not tough.
Maybe it means I’m not driven.
Maybe it means I’m not disciplined.
And maybe I don’t care what it means.
I want to focus on what is right for me.
With the last few weeks I’ve done a lot of introspective thinking- on myself, my goals, my happiness and how it relates to this blog. I am frustrated that I truly can’t recipe test at this point (which is why I’ve been posting infrequently lately) and have discussed it with Mr. C. While I will still be writing the posts, he has agreed to help me with making recipes to contribute until the show is done and I can eat “normal foods” again. After that, we have plans to make some serious changes to the blog over the next few months and focus on this full-time over the summer.
So for now, I hope you will be patient with me and I hope you will enjoy what is to come in the future!