Hello there- still remember me? It’s been a while since I’ve done a general check in and seeing as recipes haven’t been exactly flowing on this page, I thought it would be appropriate to do so.
Currently I’m officially 3 days out from competition. It’s so close and yet still feels so far away! I’ve been dying to bake cakes and test new recipes. I’ve seriously had a couple of meltdowns to Mr. C about how I just wanted to bake something! but realized I couldn’t because if I did, I would eat it. All of it.
Last year I had the same cravings and desires but I was so much more focused that I was able to put it away in my mind and just focus on keeping things on point until the show. This year hasn’t exactly been the same…As I mentioned in a previous post, I realized a while ago that I haven’t been as interested in doing the show and am doing it essentially because of previous obligations. I had thought that by this time, being so close, that I would buckle down and focus- no more “nibble this” and “have a bite of that”. Well, it hasn’t really changed. I’m still exhausted from my strenuous workout schedule, and from following the current low carb, low calorie diet that defines my existence from the last 2.5 weeks, but I’ve still been giving into temptation occasionally. In some senses, I feel badly because I should be able to stick to a goal for a couple of days but then I realize that the reason I’m failing at sticking to this “goal” is because it isn’t my goal.
This “goal” -whatever it is- isn’t mine. My priorities in life are different this year and so I’m not intending to win and so I just don’t care that much. I’m going there, I’m going on stage, I’ll be posing with a bunch of other amazing muscular women wearing itty bitty competitions suits and that’s about it. If I place, that would be cool, if I don’t, that’s fine too. Afterwards I just look forward to spending an evening enjoying dinner with friends and family.
Sometimes I feel like I’m disappointing other people but then I realize that my goals and ambitions can be whatever I want them to be and I shouldn’t apologize if they don’t line up with someone else’s expectations for me. This time around I’ve realized several things about myself (and have cemented in several others):
- I am a foodie: I love food. There’s no way around it- most body builders love food too but for me, eating and enjoying food by myself or with the friends and family that I love so much honestly matters more to me than having a 6-pack.
- I want to be balanced: I want to focus on living a balanced life. I want to be healthy mentally and physically and I want to enjoy each day without reprimanding myself for doing something I loved or enjoyed, or for listening to my body and not doing something I was “supposed to do”.
- I want to be “fit”: This might seem a strange thing to say, but I want to define myself as fit and healthy- not as a “body builder”. I will always be “building my body” but I realized that by defining myself as a “body builder” I was always focusing my workouts and what I ate around what would allow me to build my body better to the judges’ standards. I would rather build my body my own way and just enjoy my workouts- change things up and do what I just want to do. Go for a jog outside because the weather is nice instead of hitting the gym, do a workout of 3-5 reps and hitting my max instead of focusing on higher reps of 8-12. Change things up and just have fun at the gym. The gym has become a chore for me recently- I want to get back to enjoying it again.
- I don’t want to diet ever again: I’ve talked about the differences between eating a healthy diet and dieting before (check it out here) and what I know now is that I never want to be on a diet again. Ever. I want to maintain a healthy diet overall, but never diet. When I’m dieting I am easily irritated- it’s caused me to be short with people and sometimes get into arguments with those I love and care about. The past few weeks I’ve felt like a gremlin after 5pm almost every day; I’m in a terrible mood and while I try my best not to, I often end up taking it out on others. I don’t want food (or lack thereof) to control my life like this.
So there you have it- my update from 3 days out. I love all of my readers and hope to catch you on the flip side and make some amazing foods for you all!